Parenting Children with Attentional Difficulties

I will always recall the first time I met Sam’s mom, Anna. Her very first words as she entered the office were; “I don’t want to give my son medication. Can you still work with me and my son?”

Anna is like many parents who come to my office wanting help for their child because of problems in school. In Anna’s case, her son’s teacher had been writing notes in his agenda about her son’s “attentional difficulties”.

Both Anna and Sam had dreaded the end of the day when it was time for them to read the notes in Sam’s agenda. Sam hung his head as he waited for the daily judgment; “Sam had a hard time waiting his turn today” or “Sam gets upset when he does not get what he wants” or “Sam did not share well or take turns nicely” or “Sam needs to put his hand up to answer questions instead of blurting out the answers”. But the comment that hurt Anna deeply was, “Sam doesn’t have anyone to play with at lunchtime and recess. The other kids don’t want to be friends with him because he plays rough and is not a good sport”. Could this really be about Sam? This delightful and bright child who –although she had to agree was impulsive– is also kind and caring and so desperate to have at least one friend. Anna was determined to help Sam feel good about himself and be successful in school.

Anna was aware that Sam was not alone when it came to “attentional difficulties”. From her reading on the topic she learnt that in order for Sam to succeed at school, he needed to have the ability to sustain his attention; this meant to restrain himself from finding out about the noise outside in the hall, to resist distractions like Dylan bumping his chair with his desk, and to put off sharing his latest game with his teacher in the middle of Science class. Every night Anna coached her son to put his hand up and wait his turn. She believed Sam when he said he would do his best the next day. However, the notes just kept on coming.

Sam’s sadness began to show. One day he asked, “What is wrong with me? How come I have no friends?” Anna knew at that moment that she would find a way to help Sam. It is heartbreaking how many of our youth struggle in the classroom and fail miserably to socialize with their peers at recess and lunchtime. Still other young people struggle with social and emotional regulation, and managing their frustration when they don’t get their way. Children with attention difficulties have more difficulty mastering the skills that are required to be successful in school. Regardless of the symptom, our young people need our support in developing strong social skills in order to be successful.

When focus is scattered and attention is hard to sustain, organizing, planning and prioritizing become a big challenge. Students like Sam are often in trouble for wandering around the room (forgot what he was going to do), going from desk to desk, and touching things that appeal to him without any malice ―but also shows disregard for other people’s property. More often than not, the behaviour that characterizes many youth with attentional difficulties is their inability to sit still, keep their hands at rest, and keep quiet. However, at home these children are often more successful. Even though they have some challenges such as completing homework, getting along with siblings, and sleeping through the night, we as parents also get a chance to see them shine in a less structured and demanding environment.

Children with attention difficulties also tend to be impulsive, may have a hard time listening to other people’s stories and often blurt out the first thing that's on their mind. Since they may find it more difficult to read social cues, a child with attentional difficulty may not even notice other kids roll their eyes when they're bored or annoyed, or when they have just cut in line. As a result, these young people face greater rejection and alienation from their peers.

Research has shown that social skills are the base for positive self-esteem; when children feel good about themselves, they are more willing to take positive risks academically and socially. Social skills programs are an excellent way to help all children ―especially important for children with attentional difficulties. One program that focuses on social skills is the Incredible Years* Programs, offered by DM Family & School Services, with a three-pronged approach (i.e. support to students, parents, and educators). The program for students is designed to teach children emotional regulation, frustration tolerance, positive interaction and communication skills, problem-solving strategies, as well as team building. Through the use of interactive activities and games, the program promotes social and emotional competence for children. Social skills, including waiting and tolerance for frustration, can be difficult but necessary skills to acquire. Once children are taught the skills sets, their social world begins to blossom.

Many parents find attending the Incredible Years* Parent Training Program to be a great relief. It makes such a difference to share with other parents, who are also struggling at home, to learn new ways of approaching old problems. This interactive strategy based program is designed to prevent new problems, address current challenges and support parents in learning new skills to support their children’s healthy development. With the right knowledge and skills, parents are in the best position to support their children in developing the social skills so necessary for success at home and school.

Some parents decide that medication is the route for their children. For instance, Tim’s parents decided to give stimulant medication a try when they realized that their son was falling further behind academically, despite the fact that he had been tested and had no learning disabilities. For Tim, the medication worked. Tim would say that the medication helped him think before he reacted and helped him focus in class, too. However, medication alone didn’t do the trick. Tim and his parents worked in a team approach with his physician, therapist, and school.

Like some other teens with ADHD, Tim had outgrown much of his restless behaviour when he went through puberty. That is not to say he overcome it completely, but Tim had come to know himself very well. He capitalized on his incredible energy and was a valued player on two sports teams. Over the years, with the support of his therapist, he had learnt tricks to help him focus in class, and had learnt to use his agenda like a champion. But most importantly, he had had strengthened his social skills through attending groups and individual sessions.

Maxime was barely Sam’s age (from the beginning of this article) when I first began working with him. Maxime attended social skills courses in DM’s offices, and his parents attended the Incredible Years* Program. Over the years when the challenges arose, both Maxime and his parents occasionally returned to my office to find solutions ―and then off they would go again, knowing that support was always there. Regardless of whether your child is or isn’t taking medication, there are many things parents can do to help children with attentional difficulties.

Here are some examples;

Getting social. In social settings, you can help your child start a conversation. Set up play dates with other kids from school or the community, making sure they are;

1. Short (approximately 1-2 hours)
2. Well-supervised (by you)
3. Have specific activities planned ahead of time.